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Incomplete
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not like other people. I simply don’t fit in. I don’t understand feelings other than my own. It comes off as being selfish, but I just can’t relate to others. I see things different. Yes, I am human, but I’ve always been disconnected and tuned off to the outside world.
I’ve been struggling all my life to fit-in, and find myself wondering how I should react to certain things –tying to mimic the nature of others. However the truth is that I find most outside conversations trivial, uninteresting and predictable. This isn’t to say that I feel superior, but that it reinforces my isolation from others. I don’t know what to talk about most times –I can’t have a ‘normal’ conversation without trying –without becoming someone that I’m not. It’s caused me frustration and anxiety whose origins I’ve previously relegated to the mysteries of the subconscious.
I don’t have friendships that last. I haven’t had relationships that have lasted to be considered ‘long-term’. I don’t feel the need to contact or maintain a relationship with my loving family, and don’t understand why or how people care about others –about me. I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it, because I’ve never felt it myself.
My friend triggered this epiphany when she said that she couldn’t count on me to be there for her –or for anyone. Obviously this caused me concern because I never realized this before. Since then I have tried so hard to prove that I could be that person who others could depend on, but I haven’t been able to –and this alarms me. This is something I should feel right? It would be easier to change if it could be blamed as being ‘selfish’ or ‘self-absorbed’ but its worse that that, because you can change those things. If you can’t feel it, you have nothing to start from.
Sometimes I feel as though I’m a robot who has been granted emotions that don’t extend outside of my own ego. I feel as though I’m incomplete. I don’t want to be like this, and like I said, I’ve been trying so hard to go beyond my own feelings –to feel empathy for others. But just like love, you can’t force these things.
I want to be like you, but in my 31 years of life, I’ve been trying so hard that I’m exhausted and have come to accept that I am one of those who are born without the understanding of connections between others.
Has it been all an act? I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that if I’m not consciously thinking about my involvement with others, my outward nature is that of ‘flightiness’ or absent-mindedness. I forget things. I get things confused and out of order, and lose sense of time. My natural inclinations are opposite of what they should be. What is important to others isn’t important to me. It’s though I’m in another place and I lose myself in it. But it’s where I feel most comfortable and yet the part of me that’s human, the incomplete part, feels so lonely.
With that in mind, I can understand and accept the fact that people will eventually give up on me. Who stay with someone who is unable to reciprocate love?
The human side, the incomplete side of me, feels the resulting pain of loneliness, but the empty side won’t let me cross the boundaries to others. The human part of me fears of being alone, but the empty side leads me to its inevitability.
What am I?
I’ve been struggling all my life to fit-in, and find myself wondering how I should react to certain things –tying to mimic the nature of others. However the truth is that I find most outside conversations trivial, uninteresting and predictable. This isn’t to say that I feel superior, but that it reinforces my isolation from others. I don’t know what to talk about most times –I can’t have a ‘normal’ conversation without trying –without becoming someone that I’m not. It’s caused me frustration and anxiety whose origins I’ve previously relegated to the mysteries of the subconscious.
I don’t have friendships that last. I haven’t had relationships that have lasted to be considered ‘long-term’. I don’t feel the need to contact or maintain a relationship with my loving family, and don’t understand why or how people care about others –about me. I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it, because I’ve never felt it myself.
My friend triggered this epiphany when she said that she couldn’t count on me to be there for her –or for anyone. Obviously this caused me concern because I never realized this before. Since then I have tried so hard to prove that I could be that person who others could depend on, but I haven’t been able to –and this alarms me. This is something I should feel right? It would be easier to change if it could be blamed as being ‘selfish’ or ‘self-absorbed’ but its worse that that, because you can change those things. If you can’t feel it, you have nothing to start from.
Sometimes I feel as though I’m a robot who has been granted emotions that don’t extend outside of my own ego. I feel as though I’m incomplete. I don’t want to be like this, and like I said, I’ve been trying so hard to go beyond my own feelings –to feel empathy for others. But just like love, you can’t force these things.
I want to be like you, but in my 31 years of life, I’ve been trying so hard that I’m exhausted and have come to accept that I am one of those who are born without the understanding of connections between others.
Has it been all an act? I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that if I’m not consciously thinking about my involvement with others, my outward nature is that of ‘flightiness’ or absent-mindedness. I forget things. I get things confused and out of order, and lose sense of time. My natural inclinations are opposite of what they should be. What is important to others isn’t important to me. It’s though I’m in another place and I lose myself in it. But it’s where I feel most comfortable and yet the part of me that’s human, the incomplete part, feels so lonely.
With that in mind, I can understand and accept the fact that people will eventually give up on me. Who stay with someone who is unable to reciprocate love?
The human side, the incomplete side of me, feels the resulting pain of loneliness, but the empty side won’t let me cross the boundaries to others. The human part of me fears of being alone, but the empty side leads me to its inevitability.
What am I?
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