Tim's Live Journal

Recently a high school friend of mine asked if I could help her with a design project. They have a yearly camp trip in remembrance of him and she asked if I would help her create a banner for them, which I was more than happy to do.

We would meet up during her house parties, and he was always cheerful, with a welcoming smile and energetic demeanor. His death, as most, came as a shock followed by sadness and introspection. Although we never hung out one-on-one, I considered him a friend -the younger kid brother who was always trying to fit in with his older sister and her crowd of friends. He was a good kid, and deserves to be remembered as so. He passed away ten years ago, and would have been 26 this year (the same as my youngest sister).

I wrote a letter soon after which I never shared with anyone until now.

"I was talking to Michele today about death and its implications as a whole. In doing so we came up with an interesting conclusion that I think helps to explain our somber response to the death of those we know.

It was in my opinion that we are linked to those we know by "special" relationships. These relationships are special in that we do not share them with anybody else but the individual. In essence, for each person we know we share different experiences, thoughts, ideals so that our relationship with that person is differs from another. Although we may exhibit the same persona among others, our experiences with each person contribute to a "special" and unique relationship with them. Thus we can say that everyone we come in contact with becomes a part of our being, part of our history which can never be fully told without the presence of each person.

Therefore when a person we know passes away we often feel hurt, for in leaving the world they have also taken away a part of us, an "experience" which was only shared between two people. It sounds selfish in a way, but it is my belief that the very essence of human feeling has its roots in the subjective no matter how hard we try to mask it. Its not that it’s a bad thing, for it causes us to care about others and brings us together in that we are all bonded to each other through personal experience.

I can visualize this theory by incorporating the fact that the more people we know, the more we tend to feel more secure and immortal. As human beings we strive for attention so that we may touch as many people as we can, so that we can imprint our "history" upon as much as we can, and so we can be remembered. Not one of us wants to be forgotten. Not one of us wants to die alone, without relatives or friends who can remember us when we are gone. Therefore it makes sense when we strive for popularity and success in life. To have a family and so forth.

I likened the situation to a glass cage. The glass represents us and is made up of the people we know, people of whom we share a unique relationship with. We go through life within this glass box not noticing for it is clear and is therefore easily forgotten. As we meet more and more people, out glass grows and we are more free to roam around and to feel secure. When someone that we know dies a fracture forms and spreads throughout the box and we are suddenly made aware of our own mortality. We realize that a part of our self has left and cannot be replaced and therefore we come closer to dying ourselves, for when that person dies they take away a part of our own history which was special and unique to our relationship with that person."

OMG, I literally feel as though I'm not in the right dimension. I mean, reality. You know how people say that there are hundreds of millions of realities, each one with a different you? I feel as though I COULD be in one different than I was an hour ago. Its as if everything that I've experienced up until this point wasn't real, at least not in THIS reality. Like I somehow traded places with another me.

I metaphysically left my body and went somewhere else where I could see and feel glimpses, felt others who loved and cared for me. I saw my family, green grass, and then I was wrapped up in a tent -a yellow canvas tent like those in a carnival and I was trying to get out, although in a way, I didn't want to leave. It was like waking up from a dream, but unlike a dream, it felt as though I was transferring out of reality into another one.

I emerged sweating profusely in my friends room where I had took the drug. Although, I didn't believe it was 'real' at first. I felt as though I broke through the fabric of another reality.

Apparently I was gone for half an hour. Even now, I question if I 'traded' places. However, if that's the case, it doesn't matter because its the same as the one I 'left'. At least my mind has adjusted into believing that.

I just wanted to get this out while it is fresh in my mind. It was amazing, but scary at the same time. I'm not sure if I'd do it again, for fear of entering into another reality, or worse, getting stuck between.

been meaning to write this, but to be honest nothing really interesting happened on my last day. i managed to find a very cheap bed and breakfast (which i think i mentioned in my previous post). however, i forgot to mention how nice they were, or how hard it was to find the place (it was raining very hard at this time). asked an older woman where the street was and she told me. i ended up on the right street with the right number, however an indian woman answered and told me it was down a couple of blocks more (the street naming is strange out there). the bed and breakfast was run by a woman with a red mullet and this younger girl named joe. both had thick scottish accents. the mullet woman was smoking while ironing. had trouble opening my room on the first floor. it was a old house, which gave the impression that it was dirty, but it was actually really clean upon further inspection. still, i couldn't stop the OCD from kicking in enough to make me feel uncomfortable. avoided contact with any surfaces as much as possible. i had one change of clothes left and didn't want to carry back luggage full of dirty laundry so i asked if there was a laundromat near by. after some thought they agreed to wash and dry my clothes for £5 which i thought was reasonable considering.

the day in edinbourgh was spent doing mostly touristy stuff. walked around took a lot of photos, of the castles and bagpipers littering the streets. paid the first guy. i think those are probably the only ones i'm going to use. the city itself is very touristy during the day. the streets are crowded with them, and the locals take full advantage of it to make money (bagpipe beggers). its like pier 39 all over the place with old churches in-between. walked by a group of tourists taking the 'haunted scotland tour. the tour guide was very serious and convincing. they had articles posted up on how some people had been known to die of fright, etc.. i was interested, but not enough to pay the 15£ or so to get in. at least it would have made the day a bit more interesting. eventually got exhausted by walking around so much and not finding much to shoot. consulted the berlitz guidebook i had bought for the first time to find a place to eat that served aberdeen steak. i was determined to try it before i left the next day. found a place but they didn't open for a couple of hours. i stopped by a coffee shop with a sign that said they made fresh-baked scones. bought a scone and soda and sat outside for a bit of people watching. then i found a park and lay on the grass for a bit staring up at the beautiful blue sky and feeling at ease after all the walking. went back to the restaurant and found i got the time they opened up wrong and so i went back to the park to wait. finally got into the restaurant -very fancy, but found out that they weren't serving the aberdeen steak that day. however, after explaining my situation, the waitress went back to talk to the chef and he agreed to make it for me. i walked back and thanked him. i ordered a whiskey and glass of wine as i waited for the meal to arrive. the steak was very good. similar to kobe in terms of the marbled flavor, but definitely not as good. the bill was expensive, but i figured it was a good self-sendoff and was extremely appreciative of the service. near the end of my service a group of americans came in (wife, husband, and i assumed one of their inlaws). i spoke to them a bit. they were just starting their journey and i recommended they check out skye. very friendly people as were all the people i met along my journey. told them to expect a fun trip and left to take the bus back to the bed and breakfast. after a full day of exploring edinbourgh during the day, it was a nice surprise to come back and find all my clothes were neatly folded and placed on my bed. like i said, nice folks.

got everything packed up ahead of time. stuffed as much whiskey i could in my check-in luggage. took shower (which had to be turned on from an outside red switch). changed into my recently cleaned jeans and shirt. read a bit. finished off a small bottle of oban i bought at the distillery, and went to bed. woke up early and, since everything had been packed ahead of time, jumped into my rental and headed off to the airport.

still a bit groggy, i exited into a gas station to buy a 'cup of joe' and breakfast sandwich. left entering the freeway from the off ramp. no cars so i was safe (and lucky). got to the airport and got extremely irritated to find that enterprise had moved their drop-off location. had to drive in circles to finally find it. same guy who handed me the keys inspected the car and found a dent on the left side which i hadn't noticed before. i wearily confirmed that it was insured and left for the airport gates.

stopped by the duty-free shop. attractive blonde in the alcohol section helped me pick out a 99£ dalmore whiskey. bought a t-shirt, dkny 'delicious' perfume, and (at the last minute from the advice of an over-enthusiastic store manager) some scottish candy. they had to seal the bag before i left.

arrived at heathrow and went shopping at the duty-free shop there as well. found out that i was only able to bring aboard one bottle of whiskey, but was told that since i was going to america it most likely wouldn't be inspected as seriously as if i were going to canada (for instance). so i bought a classic malt whiskey set, distiller's edition lagavulin, and 21-year glenlivet.

arrived back home and an asian inspector told me i had to fill out a form. filled it out. i told him i wasn't aware of it and made it clear that if i had ever flown international then i should know. i thought he was being an ass. i filled out the form and brought it back. the inspector asked me how many bottles of alcohol i was bringing in and i said 2. he passed me through without comment.

My trip abroad has given me a new perspective. Its given me a glimpse out of this looping tunnel which has been spiraling down as of late, and has allowed me to get a better understanding of where the 'new leadership' views my role in the company. Its given me a better understanding of the man in charge, his vision, and though I'll not venture to say my perceptions are entirely accurate, I don't feel that I have time to find out. At this point I feel that its safe to say that the experience of working on the CS4 website, and the creative influence that I had on it will be diminished in the re-org of my team. I've felt it for awhile, but I could never pin-point what it was that made me feel unsatisfied with work. The alarm started to go off when, instead of looking forward to the work-week, I started looking forward to the weekends. It rang, when I sent out emails attempting to evoke change. Subconsciously I was sending a 'feeler' out, testing the water, and found it was tepid. As with every company I've worked with, finding when its 'time' isn't as easy as waking up and 'knowing'. It begins on an emotional level. You feel a nagging sense of discomfort. You have trouble sleeping. You find yourself doubting the influence of your work. The creative mind starts with a whisper and crescendos into a a scream for help, manifested in the form of depression. Deep down inside you realize that you're not pushing yourself to your limits, and you hate yourself for it. Although the feeling is similar, there's a difference between insecurity and self-doubt. Insecurity is the frustration one feels because they lack experience. Self-doubt comes from not knowing what it is that is holding you back from being who you were before -you have the experience and skill to do something, but you don't have the direction nor the knowledge of where to go.

I previously criticized those mentors who I felt had 'given up' on doing great work, but now I realize that they just got tired. The older you get, the harder it is to keep up, and the easier it becomes to direct. That coupled with the monetary incentives has enough to let go. Why be masochistic about it, when you can be rich and comfortable?

Creation and innovation is hard work. Its emotionally-charged, and because of that, it's unstable and exhausting to keep going. Unlike other things in life, the act of creation gets harder the older you become. Its easier for the young to find inspiration in life because they lack experience. They 'see' things that the older have become blind to. They have the energy to see things through. Their insecurity gives them this. It feeds the need to prove themselves to the world, and the end product is not only glorious, but exhilarating.

Going back to the older creators, I don't want to give the impression of 'jadedness'. For, even though some of us take that perspective, a lot of us want to continue to create. Whether its takes the form of enabling those who are inexperienced or taking the self-immolating path of pushing forward, is dependent upon the individual.

There's a part of me which is feeling the exhaustion. Scales are forming cataracts over my 'mental eyes' and my path is harder to see. Its like being extremely tired and seeing a bed. It'd be so easy to fall upon it.

The day started off with an awesome view of the lake and mountains outside my bedroom window. skye was definitely a great choice to spend 2 days. very relaxing and the bed and breakfast experience was so great it seemed unreal. the hosts were extremely friendly and the home was very clean and well furnished. i finally have a solid picture of the word idyllic. got into a pretty heavy chat about race, the war, the media, and family.

Went to the talisker distillery and bought some bottles of scotch (one being one of a numbered series). i wonder if there is a law about how much liquor you can bring back on the plane.

The drive to Edinburgh was about 5 hours, fueled off of coffee, red bull, and amphetamine. Stopped to buy sheepskin souvenir for mom at a tannery in skye and got a brief tour of the process. Stopped by to take the requisite castle photo (check). Stopped in a bar/cafe/hotel for wifi so I could find a place to stay for the night.

Driving through Edinburgh would have been easier if my GPS system recalculated for construction conditions. Overall, driving has gotten a lot better, though i still find myself drifting to the right during turns.

Street parking surprisingly easy to find around the corner from the bed and breakfast. However, not happy with the price of the room being £65. Found another place for tonight for £29.

Even though initially reluctant, walked around aimlessly through the city. ended up at a random bar looking for aberdeen steak. they had stopped serving food at 9. i decided to order a shot of Dalwhinnie since i missed the distillery on the way from skye. off-handledly asked woman next to me if they tipped in scotland. she said no and whispered, i'll tell you later. her drink arrived, and she said that it is unusual to tip for drinks in the UK. we ended up talking more. i asked about what there was to do around edinburgh, told her where i was from, etc.. she introduced me to a group of her friends. one thing led to another, and i end up becoming part of a ad-hoc party crew. it was a going-away party for her canadian friend. we had a lot to chat about since she had lived in japan for 3 years. most of the time i spent talking to a woman named denise who is also canadian. eventually the group thinned out and i was able to meet some more of her friends including to brits who were absolutely hilarious. one recently had found what she thought was dog shit on her porch, only to find that it wasn't 'dog' shit. oliver, the only other guy besides me, talked about a political figure who was caught soliciting a 'rent boy' to shit on him. i found the term 'rent boy' hilarious -maybe it was just the way he said it, not sure if it would sound right not coming from a brit. since wimbledon is going on, he segued into sports and how the brits seem to always manage to get to the top and then lose. it was funny to find out that he, being a tall, lanky and bespectacled, got around having to play rugby at school. again, not the same impact as if hearing it from the horse's mouth, but funny nonetheless. ended up leaving with a group of seven when the bar closed at around 2. they went to another club, and i left for my bed and breakfast. took me about an hour to get back since i got lost, at one point ending up at a museum, going around it, and, finding that there was no 'around it' running back. it was a pretty large museum. in any case, it gave me an insight on what the nightlife is like in edinburgh on a saturday evening. its not much different than how it is in any large city i've been in with a bunch of young drunk kids stumbling around in groups and waiting in lines to get into clubs, other than the fact that it was between 2-3am. finally found the right route home. the problem was that i assumed that the streets ran in a grid, which all old cities in UK are (add sarcasm and self-depreciating tone). another 'plus' from getting lost is that you tend to lose a lot of calories running back and forth, in circles, etc.. I get back at 3am take a shower and crash. thinking that i'd end up sleeping in i set my alarm for 9am. i wake up at 6:30am and can't get back to sleep. wonder how today will go... however, to be honest, the spontaneity of the night/meeting new people would leave me expecting nothing more from edinburgh.

Had a delicious breakfast comprised of fresh fruit, black pudding (much better than the previous morning), canadian bacon, sausage, scrambled eggs, baked beans, tomatoes, mushrooms, pressed coffee and orange juice, along with an interesting discussion with the folks running the place. spoke a lot about history, and a couple of their previous tenants -including a texas security guard/private investigator described as a giant. again, talked about travel and its effects on humanity, seems to be a recurring theme with me. david, the proprietor, set out a map and gave me advice on where to go. very kind of him, but useless to me since i'm map-illiterate. started day off at portree (capital of skye) to pick up medicine for my bug bites (from biting horse-flies and midges) and allergies (the scottish call pharmacies 'chemists' btw). as of this writing allergies and bites are still annoying me. before leaving the town, had coffee and brioche at an italian cafe. the drive through skye was scenic and yet the real fun came from running in the rain barebacked on a mountain range. i had started hiking on a trail with only my camera and no raingear. in the middle of the trail it started to rain so hard it stung my skin. worried that my camera was going to be damaged so i took off my t-shirt, wrapped my camera in it, and ran back over a mile to the car. luckily my camera doesn't seem to have been damaged. besides the camera bit, i have to admit that it felt great to run in the cold rain along a mountain side made of rock and pebble. during the drive back, i started falling asleep in the car so i pulled over and napped a bit. took pictures of sheep. now, i'm back at the b&b eating a homemade scone, drinking tea, and sitting in a comfy chair. :)

a bit blurry since i was too exhausted to write yesterday. started off with morning breakfast at hotel. first time eating kipper, liked it. black pudding was over-cooked, dry and very salty. went back to oban distillery and bought a variation that you can't buy in the states -distilled in 1993. drive was long. car got stuck in a ditch after i turned to let someone pass. got it towed out for £20. stopped at a cafe called 'the castle stalker'. the scone wasn't as good as the place i ate before. had a conversation with an elderly couple sitting next to me. we talked/philosophized about travel and the impact it has on humanity. did a search under 'bed and breakfast near talisker distillery' -called up a bed and breakfast and reserved a room. drove to skye. stopped in between to climb a grassy mountain range, yelled at the top of it. couldn't find the b&b through the GPS. made several calls, getting very frustrated. went to local bar to ask for help and they didn't know where the place was. finally figured out that i mistakenly booked a bed and breakfast in 'newcastle england'. may have to pay £50 for mistake. just -rechecked the website again and found it was misleading and that i'm not a total idiot (but still an idiot for not recognizing an ad from the search listing even though i've been a web designer for over 12 years and yes, i know this is a run-on sentence). ended up working out great since i found an awesome bed and breakfast (first one i saw driving through), with a astonishing view of the loch, and hosted by the nicest couple for only about £85/2 nights. ate at the local bar (only place to eat within miles) and found it to be really good. the atmosphere was what you would expect from a scottish pub. lots of wooden benches and loud clientele. had a pint of 'guiness cold' (2 degrees colder than reg guiness) and large prawns. a bit amused/alarmed when a fight nearly broke out between an old drunk and some young kids. the guy kept swearing and threatening in such a thick scottish accent that i could only pick out common vulgarities along the lines of 'kick your ass' but waaay more colorful. the kids kept it going by taunting the old guy. one choice comeback: i know why you're so upset, its because i fucked your old woman (or mom). bartender had to get out from behind the bar to make sure they didn't end up killing each other. old guy kept saying (thick scottish accent) "i really like you danny, i really do, but i'm gonna to kil' ya!". it would have been a really interesting night if a fight actually happened, but they ended up making up (i lost interest at this point). got back to the b&b and was so exhausted that i immediately crashed after showering.

Woke up at 4:30am. Decided to start day off early, and leave Glasgow for Oban. Asked directions from old man behind counter. Took him a while to figure things out, and left unsatisfactory answer. Got computer from car to look up on internet. Left key in room and locked myself out. Old man couldn't find spare key for my room. Told me to wait until receptionist arrived at 7AM. Waited in cafe and ordered breakfast. Sausage, potato scones (cornmeal and flat), egg, and burnt wheat bread. Receptionist arrives and can't find key. I had to wait till the cleaning staff came in at 9. Killed 2 hours by eating more from the buffet and taking a walk. Started on side of road. Walked aimlessly through a forest with tire wheels placed in piles in random areas. Ended up in private golf club and returning to hotel in roundabout fashion.

Got keys. Waitress let me top off a cup of coffee for the road. Bought water. Stopped by a small town called Luss on the way to Oban. Allergies killing me. Took photos of beautiful shoreline vista on the pier. Went back to grab tripod so that I could take some HDR images, but found mount missing after returning to the shore. Spent some time in historic church surrounded by ancient gravestones. Oldest gravestone was from 5th century, looked like a cement tire sunk into the earth with cyrillic etchings. Went to cozy coffee shop with waiters wearing kilts as uniforms. Had latte and scone served with cream, butter, and strawberry jam. Read a couple of chapters of novel from Kindle.

Started to rain as I left, but still gross humidity. Road to Oban was extremely scary at times. Blind corners around every turn, single tracks, narrow 2-way tracks for 30-40 miles. Still not used to driving on the right side of the car. Hit the curb periodically. Distance from left side of car hard to gauge. Had to make a couple of stops to de-stress -one at a historic hydro-electric plant established in 1950, another at Drover's Inn, one of the oldest pubs in Scotland. Almost every wall had ancient stuffed animal carcasses. Decided not to eat there. Back on the road I started to fall asleep at wheel. Played loud hip-hop music piped from nano to stay awake.

Get into town and drive around in circles trying to find a place to park. The city reminds me of Sausalito with the crowdedness of Boston. A lot of roundabouts. A lot of cars. Thought I hit a car, but checked and it was just the rearview mirrors. I hit a couple more until finding hotel and parking lot. Very stressed at this point. Felt anxious. Thought about staying in room and resting, but decided to check the city out. Oban is very small and compact. A lot of cars and people clustered in a small mass of shops. Talked to a cop about the city. Really friendly. Moved to Oban from Glasgow. Said crowd was due to vacation time. I asked where to get allergy medicine and he pointed me in direction of Tesco supermarket. Tesco is a supermarket that sells clothes and electronics. The ratio being the opposite of Walmart. Saw a lot of US brand products marketed with different names (AXE is LYNX). Surprised to find no Oban in the whiskey section. Didn't find allergy medicine. Bought Tropicana smoothie and water.

Stopped by Oban distillery plant on way back to hotel and purchased a ticket for their last tour at 6:30 for £6. Tour was interesting. Factory rooms smelled of sweet honey. Saw distilling machines and tasted cask-strength. Everyone thought it was strong except me -bad sign. Found they used American barrels previously used to hold Jack Daniels bourbon. Lost a couple of respect points from me. Met a couple of cool folks on tour. One guy was an investor and asked a lot of financial questions. He and his girlfriend/wife are from Boulder, CO -they just came back from Skye and said it was awesome. A lot of people have been telling me that. Can't wait to go tomorrow.

Ate at popular seafood restaurant across from hotel called SS-USR. Awesome view overlooking the sea. Ordered half-dozen locally farmed oysters (amazingly tasteful), a glass of Shiraz, and the Seafood Platter. The food and service was very good. Asked couple sitting next to me how to open up large shrimp. The man is originally from Scotland and now lives in England with his British girlfriend. We ended up talking about the benefits of travel to one's personal growth. Told them about the Oban tour and the man asked if I liked whiskey. When I told him I did he ordered me a glass of what they were drinking (Oban). Meeting them made the day worthwhile and emboldened me to continue along on my journey of solitude.

Got back to hotel around 10 and crashed on bed. Woke up at 12 to write summary of the day while fresh in mind. Tomorrow I plan on going back to Oban distillery and use £3 coupon to buy unique bottle of whiskey. Then off to Skye which is supposed to be more relaxing and less crowded.

Flight. On my right sat a woman who was returning to England after vacationing around the world. When asked why she said because she became 'redundant' at work -which i thought sounded funny. maybe i shouldn't have told her so. man on right was going back to New Delhi after attending a conference on a new surgical procedure for the hard of hearing at Standford. Don't know how, but we ended up digressing on the state of the world. Think it started when he asked me what 'we' did to the Native Americans. I thought it was strange how he didn't know -maybe rhetorical question. Anyways, I said we screwed them over and now they own a bunch of casinos. Then I decided that I didn't want to take blame being an American and all, so I reminded him that it was the Europeans that did it. Further digressed into conversation about humanity. He believes that humanity doesn't have a chance for peace, something about our human nature to not get along. I told him that i think things will/can change because, through the amount of mass-communication going about through the internet, ease of travel, etc., we're able to understand each other as humans and not stereotyped entities we can lob bombs at. Found out that alcohol was free and drank two mini bottles of red wine and johnny walker. Started watching 'Watchmen' on their network. Found out it was censored since it had non of the penis references made by friends. Also lack of violence in a violent movie makes no sense. So i continued to watch the full version on my ipod, nano penis and all. Popped a couple of valium and ambien and flight attendent had to wake me up. He told me the plane has landed 20 mins prior. The plane was empty. i wondered why nobody bothered to wake me up. Perhaps my Indian friend was trying to reinforce his ideals on me. Oh, and now that i remember, he said that germans are secretly still in love with hitler.

Heathrow was hotter/more humid than I expected. There are a lot of escalators. I advise taking the elevator. Wandered by the alcoholic section of the duty-free shop and wondered what the rules were and if it would seem strange for me to enter the car rental area with a bottle of Talisker in hand. Realized that plane was already boarding and so booked it to the gate.

Met scottish kid on plane to Glasgow. he gave me some tips on where to buy a pay-per mobile. even called his father for me to ask directions. nice guy. exchanged facebook information and number. now when i get lost i have someone to call.

rental car registrar eerily knew who i was before coming to the counter. maybe not a lot of asians come through. nice enough, though not helpful with driving encouragement since she doesn't drive. paid $60 more for full-insurance and GPS.

got downgraded to smaller car with no petrol. guy showing car found it strange that i would be visiting glasgow for vacation. now i don't plan on staying in glasgow for very long. laptop falls out of backpack and gets cosmetic scratch. still bothers me. hit first roundabout to petrol station. spent a minute trying to find the credit card swipe until figured out that you pump before paying. guy behind me very helpful. driving i saw a BMW SUV police car. it had blue and yellow checkered pattern paint job.

went to mall. found it very garish and gross. unorganized. walked into O2 mobile shop and woman told me that I'd get better deal in supermarket. went to supermarket and the prices were higher. decided i maybe didn't need phone. walked into another mobile store and out with a £4 samsung phone and £20 plan. used it immediately to ask directions to hotel. instantly glad i purchased. still ended up getting lost, but very familiar with roundabouts. got flipped off for some reason by driver behind me. thought about it too much, but not mad.

finally made it to hotel. very motel 6. will probably wake up with bug bites. turned on faucet and dead mosquito came out. psychological itchiness insues. scratching now. asked sad-looking, middle-aged receptionist if there was anywhere outside the hotel to get food. she looked embarrassed and said no. ate at hotel restaurant. ordered a pint of stella and chicken/haggis entree. better than expected. waitstaff seems inexperienced but friendly.

going to sleep in uncomfortable bed now...

I’ve never felt a part of a group. When I was young, I tried to, hell, I still try to now in some aspects of my life. The problem is that I can’t understand it. I’m defective in that way. I lack that ‘thing’ that links people together. When it comes to socialization, there’s a point in which I lack the ability to fit in. I am community-deficient. For instance fitting in, means ‘giving in’, and to the outside world ‘giving up’. That’s not what I want. I want to be part of the team. I want to be able to accept the fact that I can rely on others, and I want to believe in their good intentions.
However, I can’t, and I don’t know why. I know that it’s a good thing. Group mentality is a word that’s overused by pessimists who feel that their individuality is somehow threatened –its immature and creates a wall which makes it impossible to work with others; I repeat, I don’t want that.

I find that I can work in smaller groups, preferably one or two folks who are devoid of the politics which blind us to creating a solution fueled by reasons beyond self-serving ambition (whoa, run-on). However, when it comes to trying to integrate and socialize with larger groups, I get lost in the crowd. I become intimidated because I don’t know how to handle myself. Talk to a person one-on-one and see how much they change in a group whether it be a social gathering or meeting at work, and you’ll find that they become more ‘agreeable’ to the point in which, not all, but many of their values are lost. When it comes down to it, it is impossible. The basic definition of being an individual consists of being ‘one’. So, its not the fault of human nature, but a part of it.

Its an unequivocal truth that there’s safety in numbers. Its impossible to fight a battle alone, and we learn this from our first interaction with others. The bullying at school, joining the jeering crowd during a fight, the need to join a gang, and to desire to be with the ‘in’ crowd even when you know you’d never fit in. It’s a defensive mechanism designed to camouflage us from those who would harm us. The ironic thing being that those who we fear, act out of fear themselves. We camouflage ourselves from one another to the point in which we rarely understand one-another. Ask yourself how many people actually know you, or want to know you? How much do you wish to understand every individual that you meet? You will find that there are few and far-between.This is not a bad thing, but a natural response to a world full of threat. Even when we know and come to accept this truth you’ll find that transcending it is one of the most unnatural and difficult things to do.

The phrase, “Just be yourself.” is rarely acted upon because of fear; fear of not being accepted by others. I myself find myself not being myself because I’m afraid others may think that I’m ‘boring’. Like Mena Suvari’s character in ‘American Beauty’, I act the way others expect me to act so much that I don’t have a ‘true’ personality. I like to believe that every human being on the planet knows this. I like to believe that we all secretly hate ourselves for it, whether consciously or unconsciously. The lingering guilt that we feel, the exhaustion at the end of the day, that ‘thing’ that we can’t describe, its our unconscious mind trying to help us understand ourselves. The problem is that many of us are buried within layers of personas to be able to. The emptiness we all feel is not truly knowing ourselves, and not taking the time to try or to accept this truth. And will haunt us for the rest of our lives because our souls are indefinable and governed by the fourth dimension of time. Every day is a new experience which alters our understanding of the world. Though we retain the characteristics of the soul, our individuality is constantly being molded in this understanding.

So what does this mean? If we can never understand ourselves how do we remove the emptiness we feel? The answer is that we can never remove it, but when we understand it. When we understand that it as a part of us, we allow ourselves to accept who we are. We’re able to understand that everyone around us is governed by the same rules. Knowing this, we are able to accept and become more empathetic to others.

While our need for survival forces us into group mentality, we are able to see it as such. It is not who we are, it is not who others truly are. And that should make a difference.

I've been catching up on the latest season of 'How I Met Your Mother' and through it's definitely not as funny as it used to be (I may be laugh once every episode), the topics that they've breached are pretty straight on when it comes to age. For those of you who aren't familiar with the series, its basically an updated version of 'Friends' but for my generation (those who grew up listening to grunge or pretended they didn't).

Without going into too much detail, the last couple of shows were spot-on on topic with things that I've noticed lately. One being that I wake up and realize that I can't engage in activities that I would have a couple of years ago. The word 'Can't' being defined as a combination of lack of desire mixed with physical decrepitude. Of course, I can go hit the late-night club scene in SF every weekend and, being Asian, even manage to blend in, but I find that the experience, no matter how hard I try to recapture it, isn't the same. On top of which, I don't have the same amount of stamina to dance for over a couple of hours as I used to, nor the stupidity to think that I can. The Red Bull not only stops working after you hit 30, it literally kicks you into unconsciousness.

The latest episode that I watched had the protagonist (consummate 3rd-wheel), saying that he would like to be in solid relationship, but is just too tired of trying and failing. This really resonated with me and where I am at at this point of my life. I haven't necessarily 'given up' on the idea, but can't bring myself to putting the same amount of effort into the whole dog and pony show. Like clubbing, I can still engage, but the desire has changed. Simply put, I'm worn out. Too worn out to worry about call-backs and email responses. Too worn out to worry about what she's thinking and going through the whole circle of self-doubt and guilt. And even after getting the girl, too worn out to wonder if she's the right one or not, and scared that I may end up 'settling' to get it all over with.

In the show, the protagonist's ex-girlfriend tells him that 'the girl' is out there and that he just needs to wait a little longer. However, when I reflect this on my life, real-life, I can't stand the thought of myself waiting for this ONE thing to make my life complete. Sure, it'd be nice, but while I'm 'waiting' for my ticket to be called, I can't help but look up at the clock and wonder if I should be going somewhere else.

its not an excuse. i'm still trying to find the words for the reason. most of it comes from not knowing and not knowing how to deal with all this shit inside. agression, anger, frustration, hatred, loneliness, longing -i can't ignore these things. i don't want to ignore these things, and yet here they are presented to me in the world around me. empathy is shit if you're unable to do anything with it -it just takes your down and makes you more frustrated. no -it goes much more further than frustration. it's like you're being hit with all these emotions at once, and not your yours. you feel guilty that you worry about yourself, you feel guilty about worrying about the trivial shit. you will NEVER feel the pain, and so you empathize with it in the only way you know how. it's not about other people, its about DEALING with things you can't get your brain to understand. self-mutilation is the only way. the only way to let it out. to take down your walls. to escape your vanity. the things which separate you from those who you can't help or sympathize with. you hate yourself. you hate the unfairness of life. its this expectation of fairness which counter mines what we actually experience.

i don't care if you way it doesn't help. because it helps me. it has nothing to do with anyone else. i'm not doing it for anyone's comfort but my own.

and why does anyone care? i don't believe that you do. i appreciate it, but i don't think you understand.

This time sent to the 'smart people at (Company A)'

The problem is not that so much what I wrote, but that (Company A) and everyone who has used (Company A) products already knows it. (Company A) ignores the customer when it comes to support their currently released products, and ‘addresses’ problems (albeit cherry-picked) as ‘new features’ in their next product. This is where the ‘sin’ of feigning ignorance meets low-sales. Addressing customer issues by making them shell out thousands of dollars on an update (renamed upgrade) is just plain dumb. Customers know this, (Company A) knows that customers know this (if they take time to read the support forums), and yet they refuse to adapt their business model. If anything, this economy should serve as a wake-up call, and yet (Company A) is still pretending to sleep and hoping nobody notices.

This is not a complaint. We’re people who want to help our company. We are people who can’t work in an environment where they can’t make a difference. Corporate ladders be damned. If the people in the middle aren’t moving they’re useless in a sinking ship.

To quote from Geoffrey Moore:

“-risk reduction is often a form of camouflage used by underperforming and disaffected employees who seek to avoid accountability or act out their frustrations in minor acts of passive-aggressive terrorism, pulling down anything that ventures to soar up. This creates huge frustration among leaders who cannot understand why everyone does not collaborate for the greater good... In order to break away, we must overcome risk-reduction mentality and lack of corporate alignment. Neither is a natural act.”

Now, I’m not privy to what’s going on in the BU’s heads/meetings, but what I do know is the output of them, and frankly, it’s crap. It’s not making (Company A) money, it’s lowering customer satisfaction and adoption rates, etc.. By being risk-adverse they’re actually increasing risk in the competitive market.

There are a lot of smart people at (Company A) who know this. It’s not rocket-science. It’s fear that’s keeping them from being pro-active. Like in any hierarchical system, people are so afraid of upsetting their bosses that they end up outputting what they think they’re boss ‘wants’ and aren’t doing their job. They’re afraid to ‘disagree’ and so presentations are catered to what they think others want to hear. Job security/personal issues aside, this doesn’t help an employee’s growth and it definitely doesn’t help their company to succeed.

It’s not about idealism, and ‘fighting an oppressive force’. It’s about stepping back and seeing things from the customer’s perspective if you truly care about your and your company’s success. We’re getting plenty of ‘input’, and aren’t succeeding because our ‘output’ isn’t inline with it.

I agree that we need to have a ‘procedural methodology’, especially in a company as large as ours, but we need to adapt it so that things can actually be done.

The CEO, Big Boss B, Big Boss C, are fellow CO-WORKERS. They’re not gods, and they (we) shouldn’t think of themselves as such. As history has shown us, while through politics or business, good leaders know the value of those who work with them to innovate and grow. Leaders who rule through fear and intimidation eventually see their empire crumble around them.

So again, it’s not idealism which drives my mails, but knowing that if we don’t change our output, the company we work for WILL fail.

Dear God,

Do you hate me? Of course you don't, I mean you're incapable of it right? Or even if you do, who am I to second-guess? See, this is why it's so hard talking to you. Aaaannnnnnd now, I feel guilty for saying what seems like blasphemy.

Can I even have a normal conversation with you? Am I capable of it? For I am of a mind so far removed from your omnipotence. I can't complain. I can ask, but shouldn't expect anything in return.

I suppose that's why I feel that prayer is pointless. It's not conversation-based when it comes to you and I. I can't speak to you on a human-level even when I see you as Jesus. All I am left with are platitudes and thank-you notes, and even then I feel like a fraud in all its emptiness.

What can come out of a conversation between myself and you? You know what I am thinking before I speak. You know what is going to happen. You know me better than I know myself. All that is left for me is to live life according to your plan -a plan that could lift me to sheer happiness or drop me into a pit of destruction and chaos. I feel that most Christians think that your plan for them is good for them, that it leads to their happiness. But its not is it? History has shown us that good things come from other people's suffering. It also shows us that good, pious people can die in agony, and that the wicked and prideful can live rich and happy lives.

You promise that this will not be the case after we die. That everything will be balanced based on our actions here on earth. The good will go to heaven and the wicked to hell. But what about our lives on earth? Its hard for me to comprehend to even have faith in the afterlife. I can pretend, but all I can truly understand is my life on earth up until now. I can have faith in things on earth for these are things that I understand. Earth-based faith is different because I know, through experience, that what I hope for, even if it never happens, HAS happened in the past. I can have faith in my love for another, for I've experienced it before and know that it exists. But how can anyone have faith in something that they have never experienced, something beyond human understanding?

Faith in you is different than the faith I've come to define, to understand, in life. It should be called something else. It's misleading. Your faith comes from a world that I can not comprehend, a world that is translated in human terms and therefore not explained at all.

Is it so wrong to want to believe, to expect, that my actions here on earth will lead to happiness before I die? Is it so wrong to desire an answer? Is it a SIN?

This is the question that has plagued my ability to believe in you. I honestly wish it weren't true because I would like to believe that happiness can exist in life, that I can have a 'human faith' in my future, that I can take comfort in knowing that good things will happen before I die.

I've been searching since I was a child, and I still haven't been able to hear you speak to me in words that I can understand.

Good things have happened to me. I have a great career, and I've found passion in most of the work that I've done, but my heart has yet to catch up. As I write to you, I feel helpless in my loneliness. In my human understanding, it feels as though you're dangling a carrot over my head. It would be great if I could understand things in your language, maybe just a sentence? Gimme at least a word. I want to believe in you, and I don't think I can ever give up trying to understand, but I'd be lying if I didn't say it's been sucky.

Sincerely,

-Tim

"The Things We Think and Do Not Say: The Future of Our Business"

Currently there is no company that provides a great way to find usable, relevant, and immediate customer support. (Company A) needs to tap into this market, by creating a community through the use of their applications.

In the future, software companies are going to standout from the competition by creating a social network based on their existing user-base. Since there are millions of customers that use (Company A) products, such a network will be available instantaneously and will include a massive knowledge base from which users can tap into. Because of this large user-based-model, solutions to users problems will be answered instantaneously, and satisfaction levels will grow. As satisfaction levels grow, (Company A)’s brand equity will become more positive and increased sales will naturally follow.

Most software purchases are hindered by fears related to adopting new technology. Adaptation and sales, especially in our current economy, hinder on (Company A)’s ability to answer and calm these fears. To these companies, its not about saving a relatively small amount of money, but about the assurance that the product being sold will ‘work’ seamlessly within their current infrastructure.

The online experience, the inspirational ‘wow’ factor, helps, but is attributed more to the company/firm who provides the experience. When one finds a site, which inspires them, that augments their experience, they don’t think about the software that built it, so much as the company/design firm who created it.

That’s not to say that (Company A)’s online marketing isn’t important, but that it plays a smaller role in sales. The same can be said for ‘saving time and money’. It is important, but it doesn’t address the fear of adopting a new technology, for even if a product is shown to save time, the data is relative to a company’s ability to quickly implement and learn it.

In conclusion, (Company A) must focus on assuaging the fear that customers have when upgrading to their products. They need to tap into the huge user-base that already exists and turn it into a knowledge base that is both usable, easily accessible, and quick.

(Company A) already has the means to gather information. Application installations provide relevant information about their customer and specific needs. There are product user forums, (Company A) ID, etc. However nothing is centralized. The fragmentation of user groups makes searching for support on (Company A).com a terrible experience, which leads to poor customer satisfaction levels.

(Company A) needs to refocus on the customer, letting them know that the company cares about their post-purchase needs, and understands the issues they may encounter. (Company A)’s customer base is intelligent enough to understand the difference between marketing campaigns and are therefore conditioned to ignore most, if not all if it.

The first step (Company A) needs to take is to consolidate their user-base thereby strengthening their knowledge base. Future installations of software will automatically provide each user, not only with an ID, but a centralized area on (Company A).com, which is personalized to their needs. They should be able to input questions within applications, and get instant notifications without having to go back and forth between the browsers/email-clients. This solution streamlines the process and addresses the sense of immediacy that our society has come to expect.

(Company A) needs to be the leader in this. As it currently doesn’t successfully exist in the market, the immediacy of (Company A) to address and implement such a solution is of utmost importance.

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things..."


I got a 'talkin to' last Friday. Actually it was a "What the FUCK were you thinking sending out an email to (a large group of co-workers)'!"

My answer: "What's the problem?"

Boss: "The problem is that you don't FUCKING just send shit out like that to everyone."

Me: "I don't want to work at a company that doesn't allow me to voice my opinion. This goes beyond work for me."

Boss: "You work for a corporation. This isn't FUCKING art!"

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I'll stop the rest of the conversation from here. They mostly contain expletives and emotional rage.

I'm 32 and still believe that design matters. Everything I create is a painful process for me because I CARE about the output. I care about design and usability to the point that I become an emotional wreck. I want others to remember to care. There are many that have in the past, and many who still do. But something is happening. Every time I look around there are less of us. Something distracts them and they take other paths.

That very same thing is starting to make me forget. Infusing me with self-doubt. Telling me that the things that I'm holding onto don't matter. And the scary thing is that I'm starting to believe, that its true. My spirit is dying, and my work is suffering. "I don't believe in it, so why should I put so much energy into it?"

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Picture a soldier. He starts off with a belief. It get nurtured through training. His focus is clear. He believes that he can make a difference. He believes that he WILL make a difference.

Now, imagine him stepping off the ship onto the shores. He is weighted down with the supplies he will need for battle -food rations, ammo, rifle, extra clothes, canteen, etc.. All of these things are essential in his battle to 'make a difference' -to battle an enemy who hinders progress and wants to turn the world's people into a hive-mind. For his enemy there is no place for individuality, progress can only be made through the direction of 'The Board', it knows what's best for the world, and individual freedoms are a threat that needs to be contained.

As the soldier ventures forward, years pass and he begins to forget what he is fighting for. His comrades slowly fade away. Some join the opposition. Others lose their minds. They fade away is if they never existed. They have forgotten themselves, and the world has as well.

Still something pushes the soldier forward. His supplies become lighter. The walk heavier. But his feet keep moving. He wants to believe that he can make a difference, but maybe its all just a fairy tale, an ideal which exists in an alternate world with unicorns and tin men. Even so, even if it can't be possible in his world, its still important for him to believe in. For it is ideal which moves him forward. He will die, but be reborn in a world in which it exists.

Nobody knows me. Not even to my closest friends. Being social is an act that I've learned over the years. Its not to say that I'm not 100% genuine, but there's always something being held back, a dark side I don't want to share. I had a friend tell me that she understands me because she's like me. Is it truly possible? I want to believe, but the fear of disappointment leads me to doubt.

That's the essence of being 'social'. How much do you want to expose of yourself and what do people translate from it? How much do they want to see before they start ignoring the things that they don't? People get into relationships, even marriages not only being blindfolded, but blindfolding themselves, hands to the 'eyes', a similar response to watching a horror film.

People think that I'm afraid of being hurt. I never truly understood the meaning of this before. Its become such a cliche that its not taken seriously. It stops at the pain one feels upon being rejected. But its much more that that, its more the fear of letting someone in so much that they can accept the horror and embrace it to be consumed within it. Does such a person exist, not just for me, but for everyone? How much can another person take, before feeling the terror, the utter emptiness? How much can a person take before covering their eyes? I don't believe such a person exists. I don't believe that people have the ability to unlock all the doors. I don't believe that there is a person who is willing, who has the patience, to open all the doors of another. Every door which is opened consumes the soul of the other, takes a bit of their own away. The fear for me is not the stopping so much as the walking away.

You can only know me so much, before I shy away, afraid to show things that even I don't understand. The silence. The loneliness that's a part of me, the shameful part which will never go away. Believe me, you DON'T want to see.

Why am I admitting this now? Because I'm tired of lying to those I consider friends. I'm tired of hiding. I'm not seeking pity. I'm seeking acceptance from myself, and less from others. I want to be able to walk away, to shut down and be quieted, and know that everything is going to be OK.

So to the Aries girl, I ask, how much do you really know? How far can you go? How many doors are you willing to open?

Just got off the phone with my cousin Alex who's currently on a nation-wide tour with his band, The Paper Raincoat. This is a guy who's always been an inspiration for me growing up -one of the few people that I can look back on who have helped point me to where I am today. After our talk, I started thinking about not only his, but how the creative nature/sense/ability of my father's side of my family has left an imprint on my life. Not only are we creative in nature, but, and this is important, being Asian, we have struggled with accepting and feeling accepted by our family to pursue our careers and ultimately our destiny. If anything, it shows me that you can't staunch natural creativity. Sooner or later, it has to come out. It is a gift bestowed upon for a reason. To influence and inspire others. It needs to be seen. Every note that played, every word that is written, every brushstroke, and every website that is designed and experienced by others, makes a difference. And like the butterfly effect, sends waves through humanity, adding to the modern-day zietgeist around us.

Being one of the youngest cousins I was more of an observer to their fanatical lifestyles. Always wishing to join in, but being too intimated to do so. I couldn't speak their language, and I felt pressured whenever placed into a social situation with them. However, it never stopped me from looking up to them and mimicking them in my need to belong. Proving that I existed to them, would prove that I existed in the world.

Presently my inspiration comes from Alex. It all started with a card stuck to the side of a fridge. I must have been around 9 at the time, but remember it so clearly. It was a drawing of Garfield jumping out of a pile of money thanking our grandmother. Being a huge Garfield fan, I was amazed at his ability to mimic the artist's style so accurately. I must have stared at it for awhile, studying every nuance, and thinking of ways that I could create something if not as good, but better (Seems as if I always had a competitive streak). For years, I drew Garfield on everything, from cards to wrapping paper. It got so bad that my parents, misunderstanding my true intentions, started buying me Garfield pillows, bed sheets, stuffed animals, stickers, etc..

Flash forward to college, and Alex working at Razorfish as a graphic designer. Flash forward 2 years later and I’m working as a graphic designer at Sapient. Working through the dot.com boom.
These days he’s out on international tours with various bands, doing exactly what he was meant to do. Living a life without an office, fancy car, a six-figure salary. In the end, isn’t this what life is all about? For him, its been a long journey towards acceptance. He still worries about what the family thinks about his lifestyle, but he shouldn’t. Because it doesn’t matter. Happiness matters. Living matters. You are born alone, you are responsible with how you live your live in-between life and death. Thomas Jefferson had it right when he wrote the Declaration of Independence and included the words, “-(we) are endowed by (our) Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness”. With these truths we should also remember that the pursuit is the harder road to take in today’s culture. We are brought up with the notion of conservative self-preservation, one that is built on more money than we actually need. What we forget is that money is only a means to an end. Money is an enabler. It gives us the freedom to pursue our destiny, our dreams, our love for life. Its not about accumulating it over time to spend in our golden years. Its to be used now, for in our ‘selfish’ pursuits, it is the now where we can affect the most change.

The other day, I felt disheartened, a bit betrayed, and somewhat empathetic towards someone I once (still) admire as a great inspiration. It all stemmed from 5 words: Its all about the money.

First of all, let me clarify that I like money -no I LOVE money. I love making it and I love spending it. It buys me luxuries and experiences that i wouldn't be able to have. It allows me to travel, meet new and interesting people, and to learn. It plays a part of who I am, who I want to be in terms of projection. It allows me to fantasize. It allows me to live fantasies. The fact is, I wouldn't be the person I am today without money and I am grateful to have it.

However, its NOT about the money. Its about how you receive it. Its about you pursuing what you love and being paid for your passion. Without that element, one doesn't deserve it, and if I ever find myself believing otherwise, I will have died somewhere in between -perhaps not even aware of it.

I met my mentor nearly 10 years ago at a design conference. He was one of the speakers, someone known for pushing the boundaries of technology and creating art from it. His speech was impassioned. His voice articulated and pronounced by his passion for not only design, but art. There are certain people that resonate with you. People with whom you connect with immediately. Whose passion is conducive to your growth. Someone who pushes you forward to your ultimate destiny. He was one of them. His passion was true, and his thoughts emboldened with inspired intelligence. He stood in front of the crowd without fear. With a confidence that came from wanting to change the world, and I grasped onto it so much that I met up with him after wards and bought a t-shirt, not only to help promote his 'cause' but as a source of inspiration.

I still have the t-shirt. It's shrunk and faded. It has holes. But I still have it. The t-shirt that was handed to me almost 10 years ago, and one that I will never let go of.

Why? Why do I still have it, especially since the man who had created it is no more? Because I still believe in that person. The person who spoke to me so many years ago. The person who believed in his art and sharing his passion with the world. The person who responded to a young designer's emails with long paragraphs of knowledge and direction. Emails which weren't paid for, but will always be priceless. It is the voice of the few who have defined who I am as a designer today. One doesn't put in the time to respond in paragraphs to a relative stranger unsolicited without believing in something greater than money.

Even though that person has changed. Even though that person now tries to elicit from me the fact that its 'about the money'. I still believe, not only in design, but in that person. I will never succumb, I will never believe in what he believes of himself.

There are many ways of 'making money', as well as good reasons (raising a family, etc.). However, I don't believe -I refuse to believe that money is THE motivational factor in my life. Its NOT all about the money. Money is the merely the reward of believing in something greater. The belief that one can live their lives and be appreciated for their passion.

I make my pledge here and now to never lose sight of that. I pledge that I will NEVER believe that its 'all about the money'. Money is merely a reward which must be spent to continue to live for what you believe in.

Even though the person who made that t-shirt doesn't believe it that anymore, that t-shirt will remain his legacy to me and it will serve as a reminder, as a testament of what I live for.

( Tweets )